Reviving this blog with #Reverb10 (Prompts 1-3)

I’m late getting started, but as they say, “better late than never!” I have decided that 2011 will be all about writing- here creatively, on my two personal blogs (Mom on the Rise and My Mercurial Nature), at We of Hue, and at Beautifully.Artful. I truly enjoy writing but have been so overwhelmed by other things that I have pushed my passion to the back-burner. But no more.

To help kick start my writing, I have decided to join #Reverb10, a writing prompt exercise geared to helping participants reflect on the past year and prepare for the new one. It started on December 1 so I am going to be combining the prompts in an effort to catch up. Below are prompts 1 through 3.

December 1- One Word: Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you? (Author: Gwen Bell)

PROGRESS. 2010 was all about progress for me- in business, in marriage, in weight-loss, in parenting. While I have not conquered all of my goals, I learned that life is not about conquering but about making progress.

2009 was filled with deaths, demotions, pay0cuts, financial stress, and physical illness. My spirit was broken and I was ready to check out and give up. I did, however, find the strength to hope that things would be better. I planned to take control of the things that I could and steer my life in the direction that I wanted.

In 201o, I learned to do business more like a man and less like a woman. I focused on customer service and getting paid and removed my emotions out of the equation. The fact is that as a woman I often take the personal into consideration (oh, she’s a mom, or he needs to pay less, etc.) instead of focusing on what matters- it’s business not personal. In doing so this year, my business has been doing better. I am charging what I am worth and not settling for less. I have gone from a web designer hobbyist to a web designer business.
In addition, for the most part, I have made progress in setting boundaries. I work from home am often that means clients don’t respect the separation of work and home life. They feel the need to contact you during off hours and expect results immediately. I am making progress in that I am no longer allowing people access to me 24 hours a day.

On the marriage front, I have embraced the notion that an apology goes a long way. by no means am I perfect at this, but I am learning to admit when I am wrong or when I have made a mistake because being right is not as important as being humble.

Progress has taken an interesting form when it comes to parenting. I admit that I lack patience some times. A lot of the time. I struggle with lowering my expectation to more attainable ones and I am often volatile when others don’t meet my usually ridiculously high standards. However, I am learning to allow my daughter to be a child- imperfect and learning.

And finally my weight. I began 2010 planning to have weight-loss surgery. During the course of making preparations, I learned that I have a thyroid-metabolic issue. I learned that I am vitamin-deficient and that the excessive weight-gain is a result of other issues. So, in an effort to reverse some of the issues that am facing, I began a exercise routine and new way of eating. While I did manage to loss 39 pounds in total, I have been inconsistent in my efforts. However, progress is the word.

For 2011 the word will be SUCCESS. I am not making resolutions, but rather setting concrete goals so that my efforts are measurable.  More importantly, my goals will be realistic.

December 2 – Writing: What do you do each day that doesn’t contribute to your writing — and can you eliminate it? (Author: Leo Babauta)

I procrastinate. I plan to write but I don’t actually do it because I tend to put it off until there is just no way that I can actually do it. This has been such an eventful year and rather than writing things down to capture the moment, I have let them slip by. In 2010 I will not put it off. I will write every day and I am setting daily word goals to ensure that I do. In addition, I will be using my dictation software to help multitask.

December 3 – Moment: Pick one moment during which you felt most alive this year. Describe it in vivid detail (texture, smells, voices, noises, colors). (Author: Ali Edwards)

We took our first family vacation every the week after Labor Day to the Jersey Shore. It is my husband’s favorite place on earth- a place that holds perfect childhood memories of vacationing with his family when times were simpler. We decided to take a 4-day, technology-free vacation as a way to unwind and bond.

When we arrived, the salt-soaked air filled my lungs causing them to expand with relief as my body embraced the pollution-free environment. I felt the stress and worries melt away and my heart beat in tune with Mother Nature. For the first time in years I relaxed and found joy in the giggles and squeals of my daughter who was experiencing the beach for the first time. She was experiencing her parents, relaxed and happy, for the fist time as well.  And I finally understood why these vacations, these moments, are so necessary.

Untitled

I have lived in lies secured

within the depths of pity.

I have been alone forever

repressed by change.

As I look for reasons,

my body aches with doubt.

Alone.

Cold.

Afraid.

My desperation lurks

deep within.

Emptiness.

If happiness lives within small streams

reflecting blue skies of purity,

is my world contaminated?

Irony: a work in progress

I would find a nice comfortable spot, in a really secluded space somewhere in the not so secluded chaos of the world. I would cry a good deep-from-the-inside-cry, letting go of all of the hurt and the pain and the horror of growing up in a family that was as welcoming as a Nazi rally to a Jewish homo. In the bathroom, in the morning while getting ready for school, I would look in the mirror and hate myself because I was different. And I would cry.

When I was sixteen, I tried to kill myself. I found a nice secluded place, cried for about an hour, and then swallowed a bottle of my mother’s pills. My father found me and was pissed because my mother really needed those pills. “I have to go all the way to the pharmacy to get your mom a new bottle,” he shouted.

When I turned eighteen, I wandered into a pool hall and fell in love with this guy. He said he liked me because I was quiet. He told me that if I did not have sex with him he would never talk to me again. He never gave me a chance to answer. I went into the bathroom and cried. “You’ll be fine,” he shouted to me. I was torn.

My mother died when I was 19, her body slumped in the big wooden rocking chair that overpowered the den. My father could not imagine her life without her and swallowed the pills that I had in my purse. I really needed those pills.

©2006

For a moment

a hard life

seems almost bearable

when I can sit and breathe,

and dip my mind in

water so cool

and take in the ocean breeze.

©2006